The End of 2024 Musings

As 2024 comes to a close, and as I do every year, I'd like to share my reflections of the year. It is the end of my 9th year living in France so in January 2025, will mark my 10th year - a milestone, I suppose. While a part of me feels like I have been here for that long, I still feel I am in flux. Honestly, I always have and it is why a major theme of my photographic works, especially this year has been about finding a place to call home, trying to establish roots and a connection to a place where it is hard to feel a connection to. In part, it is certainly because the language barrier somewhat still evident as I find learning the language slow in spite of my surprising progression.

It is also because - as it has been even in the United States - I am an introvert, more at ease with animals and the forest than within a social human group. I enjoy meeting and speaking to people, especially if they are warm and friendly but I prefer to be off on my own, most of the time. And with so-called social practices further separating us than bringing us together in addition to our political climate, I have created even more space between myself and others. Lastly, the difficulty in establishing roots is because 6 months prior to leaving the United States for France, I was living in an unstable situation with an uncertain future, and now, once again, with financial problems at hand spending the last year and a half in the social housing system waiting for a new, cheaper place to live, I have been surrounded by constant reminders that I am still not settled anywhere. While I have spent most of my life in places I didn't choose, I didn't feel unstable in my living conditions like now. As I have no control over this housing process, I have had personal difficulties but have managed to pour my soul into my artistic work more than ever.

I have created and finished 3 bodies of work: Re-Wild, Papillon and Almost Forgotten. Re-Wild has already been published in The Eye of Photography, I've had an exhibition of selected images from that series as well as Papillon this past November during the month of photography and in a major annual of art and photography by Corridor Élephant.

Almost Forgotten is a project that I began the year I moved here - 2015 and felt it fitting to complete the end of this year. At first glance, it is a vast selection of very pretty, romantic imagery of me posing in front of and within castles and ruins and while that can seem superficial, my statement is not. It is still connected to the theme of looking for a connection. I have spent my childhood yearning to be in fairy tales, in idyllic, romantic settings and also with a fascination for exploring areas with an ancient past. Difficulty in finding that in the US, I was excited to be able to find these places rather easily here in France. And, as I have eluded, with this era of modern technology creating a further disconnect from the human spirit and where the idea of the romantic image and even the preservation of tradition and history is slowly disappearing, I sought even more, to find and connect to places and ideals of romanticism.

During this year, I also took, what I consider a courageous step to create a vlog series, loosely titled “Series of Series” on my YouTube channel where I share selected works and discuss, on a minute level, the ideas behind them, some anecdotes and more. If you have not subscribed to my channel, please do so and while you are there, you can find some perfomance videos that I have created over the years either as companion pieces to certain series or in addition including my most recent one entitled White Raven with authorization so generously given by musician Martine Kraft and her project Iwashere for the use of her music!

And while so thankful to be able to continue my self-portrait work and for it to be seen, I am ever so grateful to have sold more than 115 copies of My Body Collective which is more than half the copies that I have had printed, thanks to my supporters via Kickstarter who believed in me and my endeavor to write and share my autobiography and my often painful past and how I have taken these experiences and used them in my art and in my job as an artists' model. I have sold these books without real distribution except through social media platforms, my site and through my model sessions. I have received so much amazing feedback, loving and encouraging words and I have been told that I am inspiring, which is really so humbling. It was one of the reasons, of course, for writing my story – to inspire those who had had difficult lives to find a creative and positive outlet in order to express themselves – to find therapeutic exercises in helping go through the process of self-acceptance and healing.

With that, I would like to end this post with words of love and thanks for your support and your continued interest in my work. I do hope that you continue to visit my website to see my work, to read my newsletters and to be here. I encourage you also that if you have any comments, questions, questions on purchases or more, do not hesitate to contact me direct via my email address. I am always happy to respond.

My love to you all and a very happy, healthy and loving holiday season and a hopeful new year.

Episode 4 and my father

English:

Several weeks ago, I started making a few video "art talks" where I share certain bodies of work and talk about what inspired me to create it, share some behind-the scene anecdotes, technical information and more and posted them on my YouTube channel. Yesterday, I made my 4th episode presenting my series The Divine Journey and I began to talk about it in my usual matter-of-fact manner, however, it quickly became emotional as I spoke about the death of my father. It was he, who I dedicated the series to and I began to cry while I was speaking. I managed to edit out a lot of the crying but couldn't and wouldn't get rid of it all.

My relationship with my father was difficult due to his mental illness, my mother who demonstrated, when I was very young, how NOT to support him through his difficulties and that created more of a distance from him. I am sure my mother tried to support him and I vaguely remember them talking some times and there was one or two therapy sessions - one was a family one but nothing really evolved and over the years, my mother became angrier and angrier with him.

I have spent too many years, though, trying to intellectualize my mother's behavior. All I can focus on now is my feelings. My crying was and is for very selfish reasons. I never had the dad I wanted. I wanted one that would build me a dollhouse, take me to amusement parks, give me wise advice while I was growing up and while I have photos of me on his shoulders when I was a kid, and we had a father/daughter dance at my first wedding, there were too many things I could not deal with. What I remember more are things like the time he left me at a department store forgetting I was with him, the time he threw a knife at me because he thought I poisoned his food, all the times I watched him sitting outside, smoking a cigarette and talking/cursing to himself and his numerous facial ticks. I remember when he had his biggest breakdown, not just hearing voices but being scared of things that were in the house. he was then institutionalized and given electroshock treatments.

With all that, though, another reason I cry thinking about him is because of the closure I got at the end of his life. I didn't really speak about everything he said in the video because it was already hard but what he did say then and even at my first wedding when we danced is that he loved me. He loved me the best way that he could given the circumstances. I will cherish that moment forever.

2 days ago was the 15th anniversary of his death. He was finally at peace with all of his demons and I do believe that the angels came to take him because he was a good man who had a tortured soul that needed soothing...

Français:

Il y a plusieurs semaines, j'ai commencé à réaliser quelques vidéos « art talks » où je partage certaines œuvres et parle de ce qui m'a inspiré pour les créer, partageant quelques anecdotes sur les coulisses, des informations techniques et plus encore, et je les ai postées sur ma chaîne YouTube. Hier, j'ai réalisé mon quatrième épisode présentant ma série The Divine Journey et j'ai commencé à en parler de ma manière habituelle, mais j'ai rapidement ressenti de l'émotion lorsque j'ai évoqué la mort de mon père. C'est à lui que j'ai dédié la série et j'ai commencé à pleurer pendant que je parlais. J'ai réussi à supprimer une grande partie des pleurs, mais je n'ai pas pu et voulu me débarrasser de tous les pleurs.

Ma relation avec mon père était difficile en raison de sa maladie mentale, ma mère ayant démontré, lorsque j'étais très jeune, qu'elle ne le soutenait PAS dans ses difficultés, ce qui a créé une plus grande distance avec lui. Je suis sûre que ma mère a essayé de le soutenir et je me souviens vaguement qu'ils ont parlé de temps en temps et qu'il y a eu une ou deux séances de thérapie - dont une familiale - mais rien n'a vraiment évolué et, au fil des ans, ma mère est devenue de plus en plus en colère contre lui.

J'ai passé trop d'années à essayer d'intellectualiser le comportement de ma mère. Je ne peux plus me concentrer que sur mes sentiments. Mes pleurs étaient et sont toujours motivés par des raisons très égoïstes. Je n'ai jamais eu le père que je voulais. Je voulais un père qui me construise une maison de poupée, qui m'emmène dans des parcs d'attractions, qui me donne de sages conseils pendant que je grandis, et bien que j'aie des photos de moi sur ses épaules quand j'étais enfant, et que nous ayons eu une danse père/fille à mon premier mariage, il y avait trop de choses que je ne pouvais pas supporter. Ce dont je me souviens le plus, c'est de choses comme la fois où il m'a laissée dans un grand magasin en oubliant que j'étais avec lui, la fois où il m'a jeté un couteau parce qu'il pensait que j'avais empoisonné sa nourriture, toutes les fois où je l'ai vu assis dehors, fumant une cigarette et se parlant/se maudissant à lui-même, et ses nombreux tics faciaux. Je me souviens qu'il a fait sa plus grosse dépression, non seulement en entendant des voix, mais aussi en ayant peur des choses qui se trouvaient dans la maison. Il a alors été placé en institution et a reçu des électrochocs.

Malgré tout, si je pleure en pensant à lui, c'est aussi parce que j'ai pu faire le point à la fin de sa vie. Je n'ai pas vraiment parlé de tout ce qu'il a dit dans la vidéo parce que c'était déjà difficile, mais ce qu'il a dit à ce moment-là, et même à mon premier mariage lorsque nous avons dansé, c'est qu'il m'aimait. Il m'a aimée de la meilleure façon possible compte tenu des circonstances. Je chérirai ce moment pour toujours.

Il y a 2 jours, c'était le 15e anniversaire de sa mort. Il était enfin en paix avec tous ses démons et je crois que les anges sont venus le chercher parce que c'était un homme bon qui avait une âme torturée qui avait besoin d'être apaisée...

Episode 4 on YouTube (en anglais)

Re-Wild

English:

Over the last few years, I have come to realize that most of my life, I have gravitated to the Natural World, mainly, the forest. When I was a young child, not living near any forests, I would go out into my yard where there was a giant rock and small bush planted in a corner by the fence where I would sit for hours pretending it was a mini forest for my little plastic figurines that I would turn into woodland beings and where I would also sit and crush little stones open with a hammer looking for "crystals" and quartz wanting to find the beauty in nature.

For many years after, however, the thoughts of going into forests disappeared as I grappled with the task of growing up, dealing with abuse, raging hormones, toxic relationships and other aspects of life in a modern world. However, I never felt part of the modern world.

It wasn't until I was in my early 30s that the call of the wood came back to me so I would drive around, sometimes for an hour or so to look for something resembling forests full of dense trees and the quiet calm except for the sounds of the birds, insects, the wind in the trees. When I would find them, I would go walking around or photographing inside them and I felt something magical every time. I spent two summers in 1999 and 2000 visiting the Delaware Water Gap in New Jersey and it was there that I really felt the vibes of what it would be like to be in the wild. I went into the Delaware River, nude and felt the col water around me with smooth stones under my feet. I felt the wind against my skin and in my hair and there were no thoughts or worries at all. I wanted so badly to hold on to those feelings. Several years later, however, I found myself living in New York City, so much farther away from where I wanted to be and the more years that followed, the urge was growing. Then, I moved to France, near Paris - another city that has become modernized with time. The desire to connect has become so strong that I do manage to find places that are close enough to the wild and where I can frequent a little bit easier. It has been these years that I have felt the beginning of a re-connect to what I feel is as "home" as I can get. I am an introvert, often times a "hermit" and when I am in the modern world, it affects me deeply where I need to find solace. The forest is where I find it.

With the growing concerns of what is happening to our world - the rapid destruction of it, I become very sad. I try to be hopeful when I do read about or see people standing strong to try and create change but even with change, Mother Earth is doing what she wants anyway so no one really knows what their efforts are for. What we can do is live for the now and try to make peace with her if there are enough people willing...this is the challenge. This blog is not about lecturing but just about how I am trying to fit myself into the need to keep my "home"..I don't know how capable I am of doing so, so I just go to the forest, hug the trees, talk to the birds and the wind and pray.

Photographically, I have spent the last 3 years (2021-2024) putting together a major series culminated from 2 separate bodies of work where the desire to be connected to nature runs a thread through. I have named the entire series Re-Wild after listening to a song written by musical artist Heather Nova entitled Re-Wild Me where she speaks about how many people now are feeling very similar to me in wanting to get back to nature as our modern world continues to destroy, disappoint, and makes us feel more anxious, depressed and isolated. If there are indeed so many of us out there that feel this way, and even if I personally can not come together with you all, know that my spirit is with you all. Let's all go hug the trees, speak to the birds and the wind. And pray.

Français:

Au cours des dernières années, j’ai réalisé que la majeure partie de ma vie, j’ai été attirée par le monde naturel, principalement la forêt. Quand j'étais un jeune enfant, ne vivant pas à proximité d'une forêt, je sortais dans mon jardin où il y avait un rocher géant et un petit buisson planté dans un coin près de la clôture où je restais assis pendant des heures en prétendant que c'était une mini forêt pour mon des petites figurines en plastique que je transformais en êtres de la forêt et où je m'asseyais aussi et écrasais des petites pierres ouvertes avec un marteau à la recherche de "cristaux" et de quartz voulant trouver la beauté de la nature.

Cependant, pendant de nombreuses années après, l'idée d'aller dans les forêts a disparu alors que je me débattais avec la tâche de grandir, de faire face aux maltraitances, aux hormones déchaînées, aux relations toxiques et à d'autres aspects de la vie dans un monde moderne. Cependant, je n’ai jamais eu le sentiment de faire partie du monde moderne.

Ce n'est qu'au début de la trentaine que l'appel du bois m'est revenu alors je conduisais, parfois pendant environ une heure, à la recherche de quelque chose qui ressemble à des forêts pleines d'arbres denses et au calme tranquille, à l'exception du le bruit des oiseaux, des insectes, du vent dans les arbres. Quand je les trouvais, j'allais me promener ou photographier à l'intérieur et je ressentais à chaque fois quelque chose de magique. J'ai passé deux étés en 1999 et 2000 à visiter le Delaware Water Gap dans le New Jersey et c'est là que j'ai vraiment ressenti l'ambiance de ce que ce serait d'être dans la nature. Je suis allé dans la rivière Delaware, nue et j'ai senti l'eau froide autour de moi avec des pierres lisses sous mes pieds. J'ai senti le vent contre ma peau et dans mes cheveux et je n'avais aucune pensée ni inquiétude. Je voulais tellement m'accrocher à ces sentiments. Plusieurs années plus tard, cependant, je me suis retrouvé à vivre à New York City, bien plus loin de l'endroit où je voulais être et plus les années suivaient, plus l'envie grandissait. Ensuite, j'ai déménagé en France, près de Paris, une autre grande ville qui s'est modernisée avec le temps.

Maintenant, l’envie de se connecter est devenue si forte que j’arrive à trouver des endroits suffisamment proches de la nature et où je peux fréquenter un peu plus facilement. C'est au cours de ces années que j'ai ressenti le début d'une reconnexion à ce que je ressens comme étant le plus « chez moi » possible. Je suis un introverti, souvent un « ermite » et quand je suis dans le monde moderne, cela m'affecte profondément là où j'ai besoin de trouver du réconfort. La forêt est l'endroit où je le trouve.

Face aux inquiétudes croissantes concernant ce qui arrive à notre monde – sa destruction rapide, je deviens très triste. J'essaie d'avoir espoir quand je lis ou vois des gens qui se battent pour essayer de créer un changement, mais même avec le changement, la Mère Nature fait de toute façon ce qu'elle veut, donc personne ne sait vraiment à quoi servent leurs efforts. Ce que nous pouvons faire, c'est vivre pour le moment présent et essayer de faire la paix avec elle s'il y a suffisamment de personnes disposées... c'est le défi. Ce blog n'a pas pour but de donner des conférences mais simplement de montrer comment j'essaie de m'adapter au besoin de garder "chez moi". Je ne sais pas à quel point j'en suis capable, alors je vais dans la forêt, je serre le arbres, parlez aux oiseaux et au vent et priez.

Photographiquement, entre 2021 et 2023l, j'ai édité une grande série issue de 2 séries distinctes où le désir d'être connecté à la nature est le fil rouge. J'ai nommé toute la série Re-Wild après avoir écouté une chanson écrite par l'artiste musicale Heather Nova intitulé Re-Wild Me, où elle parle du nombre de personnes qui se sentent maintenant très semblables à moi et souhaitent revenir à la nature alors que notre monde moderne continue de détruire, de décevoir et de nous faire sentir plus anxieux, déprimés et isolés. Si nous sommes effectivement si nombreux à ressentir cela, et même si personnellement je ne peux pas me réunir avec vous tous, sachez que mon esprit est avec vous tous. Allons tous serrer les arbres dans nos bras, parler aux oiseaux et au vent. Et priez.